An Ideal Family

What is an ideal family? In other words, what would be your “perfect” family? What would/do you do? What traditions will/do you have? How will/do you parent your kids? What is the feeling in the home, or what will it be? And, how are you going to make it all happen?

I’ve started to wonder what my future family will prospectively be like and how I (and my future husband) will create it.

I just recently returned from helping my mother teach a group of couples in a multi-day event that we call a Couple’s Retreat. At these events, our entire family helps to train and teach 10-20 couples how to self-govern their family. As we were teaching these couples, I started to think about how I was going to run my family. I already know the parenting style I like, it being the style I help teach. It’s based on Four Basic Skills:

•       Follow Instructions
•       Accepting No Answers
•       Accepting Consequences/Criticism
•       Disagreeing Appropriately

There are many other principles to Self-Government, but these pretty much summarize them all. It’s different from any other system I’ve ever seen or heard of.

I have lived this system my whole life and my parents have instituted it with all the foster children that were in our home and have shared it with so many people around the world. I have seen the impact it has had on those who implement it. It has united and blessed many families.

There is a difference between families who are self-governed and those who are not. It’s not that those who use the system of Self-Government are better than those who don’t. It’s just a way of life. If you look back into the history of the family (there is such a thing), it is easy to see how “the family” has evolved and changed.

In the 1800’s, families were much different. For example, in 1899, Charles E. Sargent, in his book “Our Home,” wrote: “Let us suppose a case, the most difficult we can conceive… Suppose a mother requests her boy to go to a neighbor’s house on an errand. The boy wished to play ball and stubbornly refuses to go. What shall that mother do? ‘Give him a good thrashing’…’Turn him over to his father’… One of the principal restraining faculties is conscience, or the sense of obligation. Now all are supposed to possess this faculty in some degree. Those who do not are morally deformed.”

Those are some strong words. Comparing that scenario to today’s youth, they all could be considered monstrosities. According to this passage, most of our young adults, and even some adults, are “morally deformed.” Morals have been twisted, reformed, and completely rejected in today’s society. They are of little worth to “the world’s people.” But to those who seek strong families and foundations, these morals and virtues are avidly sought for and clung to once found. They form the core of beliefs and the rules by which life is set. They are of enormous worth!

But, despite all the opposition from worldly influences, I’ve seen these middle-aged “monstrosities” have a total and complete change of heart when they have a governing system that is firm and consistent, where the parents are the leaders, not the children “ruling the roost.” When governed by principles of self-government, people become more selfless and happy. Life has more freedom.

My ideal family is governed on those principles. My future family won’t be perfect, but we will be happy and united when our “family government” is led by true principles and by the living God.

Mommy's Hold

This last week, my family and I had another opportunity to spend a considerable amount of time without the presence of Mom at home while she spent time with another family, helping them become more united. Usually when Mom’s not home, we throw a party of sorts and do things that we don’t normally get to do on an everyday basis. Although that’s all fine and dandy and we all like it, there is always something missing when Mom is gone.

At our house, Mom is the consistent one when it comes to getting school and chores done. But, she also is consistent in her parenting. Even though it’s a nice break when she’s gone, we miss her consistency. It’s what keeps us all happy. If she were to go somewhere for an extended period of time, life would fall apart at home.

I never really realized how much she contributed to and had a hold on my life until this year. I’ve matured enough to see how her influence is in the home.  It is strong. As I reflected on how she has influenced me over the course of my life, I came to love my mother with a love that I hadn’t known I possessed. I came to appreciate her more, see what she really did for my family and me and just how much she keeps us together. I then thought of those homes that didn’t have the motherly love I’m so blessed with, even if there is a woman in the home. That love of a mother or mother figure is so crucial to a growing child, especially daughters.

A mother is a role model, whether for good or evil is up to them. The Family: A Proclamation To The World says about mothers: “Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.” Loving, modern-day prophets of God gave this short piece of advice to the world to help those woman who may not see it as clearly as others, see their duty to themselves and their family, whether present of future, in this life or the next. Some women are blessed with the opportunity to be mothers to others not related to them. I know I have many mother-like figures in my life that are not related to me and I have learned so much from them.

My mother is my hero. She has taught me all the important things in life and has taught me virtue and the value of it. I owe my knowledge and devotion to Christ to her. She has been my loving mentor and guide my whole life and I am thankful to her for all the hard work she has put into me, making sure I had the best chance to be the best “me” I could be. She has given me choice experiences that I could never had anywhere else or with any other person. I know that the Good Lord blessed me with the mother I have for a reason. I could never fulfill the mission God has for me without the guidance and wisdom of the role model I have. I feel terribly blessed. I hope that all young women have seen or will one day see the treasures they have in the women in their lives. My mother has spent her life making sure I made good use of mine. I could never be blessed with someone better to make the Daughter of God I know I am.

Thank you, Mom. You mean more to me than you know. Even though I’m excited to get out on my own, I’m scared to not have you with me all the time. I’m not sure I’m all the way ready to take that step. But I know with your help, I will be able to survive when I do leave.

Young women and men, take the time to thank your mother for what she does for you.  Let her know that you appreciate her and take notice of her efforts on your behalf. She does so much more than you know. I’m only beginning to see that. And what a life-changing revelation that is.

Less Is More

I was able to go camping this week with my family. I love the times when we get to go and spend time by ourselves. We go to places where I’ve grown up camping my whole life. I have made so many good memories with my family. We always have a good time.  But I’ve noticed, during and even for a short time after our trips, our attitudes change, mine included.

It’s been my observation, and I’m sure it’s been others’ as well, that once we get more of what we want, the more we end up wanting. When we go camping, we tend to get a lot of things we don’t normally get at home. Especially when Dad’s in charge. J Today was our last day in the campground. As we were packing up, we all started complaining and whining. I began feeling entitled to being somewhat pampered and felt the need to be “treated differently.” I felt like I was being told to do everything and that people were getting mad at me for no good reason. My whole point of view changed. I had to have certain things and things done my way or I couldn’t be happy. Or so I felt.

This way of thinking is very common. It’s present in many families around the world. Like I said earlier, it is the product of having received too much of what is wanted. I’ve seen many examples of entitlement, even among my friends. There’s a chain reaction of things that happen: someone gets something they want, they start asking for more, they get it, they want even more, parents say no, they’re angry and don’t know how to handle it, parents give in to their child’s anger/sadness, child becomes entitled and feels they need everything they want, they become disrespectful to parents and parents feel that the only way to handle it is by giving them what more of what they want. This is the pattern I’ve seen often. It makes me very sad to see people my age so disrespectful to the ones that raised them and nurtured them. I also despair at the parents who don’t know how to handle it, even with younger children.

The familiar phrase, “1-2-3” from parents is an attempt to keep younger children in control, but most of the time it doesn’t work. It’s really just a struggle for power and a pull at strings to stay in charge. When there is entitlement, people need structure. I have had the great blessing to have parents who have the skills needed to keep control and respect, yet keep us humble and happy.

I only hope that I’m not the only one who sees this. It’s only becoming worse. But, I know that it can be helped and that life is happier when you appreciate what you have.

Gratitude

Earlier today, I was in the car with a friend of mine. If you know me, I’m quite the chatterbox. Somehow we got onto the topic of my mother and how it’s a miracle she’s even here. My mom has been through a lot and it has blessed her so much and, in turn, me. When she was younger, she had an accident that has altered her life ever since. I started talking about things that happened when my mother was younger and I realized that I really take her for granted most of the time. I finally started to see how much my mom and my whole family mean to me. It got me thinking about everything I love and am so grateful for. For instance, I have a family reunion this weekend and I can’t wait. I love being with my extended family and strengthening those relationships that are so important. Although I’m only 17, I understand how crucial those people are in my life.

I’ve also come to understand how easy I’ve had life thus far. I have the luxury of having a car at my disposal most of the time. Part of the deal of me getting to drive the car is that I have to keep it somewhat clean and I have to pay for my own gas, which is fine by me, unless, of course, I spend all of my money on things I really don’t need. I’ve done that a couple of times. I had no money for gas and I had places to be. I’m so grateful to my parents for letting me “suffer” with those small, petty challenges. It makes me more humble and less entitled. I’m grateful for what I have and for the opportunities I have had to progress and learn and grow. I feel very blessed for the many things that my parents have paid for so that I may be a better “me.” I thank them in my heart daily. I really should say it out loud more often.

I’ve tried to adopt and live by an “Attitude of Gratitude.” By doing so, I’ve been able to be much more optimistic than normal. I try to see the light in every situation, even if there seems to be none. It has been a blessing to have that extra happiness. And, it all comes from recognizing blessings and being grateful for them.

Today has been a reflection of all of the things that I really appreciate. I encourage you to contemplate at least 10 things that you are TRULY grateful for and then take the time to thank God sincerely for them. It is worth it. Once you think of others, you lose yourself in your love for them.

The Sisterly Bond

For the longest time now, I have had the pleasure of having a sister. It has been the best thing I’ve ever had. There are times that I can’t stand her, but the special times that I’ve had with her far outweigh the times that she bugs me. I have learned to appreciate everything she does.

There was one day, a few years ago, where my sister and I had a disagreement and we both started fighting. It was the worst moment I’ve ever had with my sister. In that moment, I held her in contempt. I was selfish and didn’t want anything to do with her. About a half hour later, I hear a knock on my door. I open it and there’s my sister, just standing there. Before I could shut the door in her face, she looked at me, handed me a handwritten note, and then left without a word. I thought that it was a little weird and I didn’t want to even open the note. But I did, and it said something like this:

            “Dear Paije,

I’m sorry that I got angry with you earlier today. I hate it when we fight. But, sisters fight sometimes. I want you to know that I love you. Thanks for being a good sister.”

That hit me straight to the core. I was amazed at my sister’s ability to forgive so easily and quickly. In that moment, she taught me so much. She was more mature than I was. I realized that I needed to forgive and love my sister more.

I only have one sister, which makes for many special moments. I have had many opportunities to build and strengthen my relationship. My sister and I are best friends. It has been a lifelong process and we grow to love each other more and more each day.

It wasn’t always this strong though. A few years ago, I wasn’t mature or smart enough to know what a great sister I had. I had a revelation. I knew I needed to improve my relationship with her. But I didn’t quite know how. I contemplated it and found my weakness and problem. I found that I needed to be more selfless and care about her more. If she was going to mean a lot to me, I had to sacrifice a bit of my time to be able to really value hers. I started looking for things to do for her that would make her happy, even if those things seemed small and insignificant. I had to think about her, not me.

As I began being more and more thoughtful about her and her needs, I became aware of her actions towards me and of my thoughts concerning her. She was more attentive and kind to me and I thought more about what would make her happy and what she might need.

This not only applies to sisters, but to all siblings and others not related as well. I have found that once selfish interests are forgotten, the welfare and happiness of others begins to come easily to the forefront and replaces the desire to do things only for oneself.

I am thankful for my sister and my family. That gratitude continues to grow daily. I know that once the effort to improve relationships is made, it isn’t wasted.

The Influence Of Music

Music is such an amazing thing. There's so much variety and creativity involved in its production. But have you ever thought of what it does to you when you listen to it? 

A question was recently posed to me: "How does allowing unrighteous influences to remain around you affect you over a long period of time?" The very first thing I thought of when I heard this was, "You are who you hang out with." That, of course applies to the friends you keep. But, my second thought was, "What about the music I 'hang out with?' Does that change me?" As I thought about it more deeply, I realized that it does and that I have experienced it myself. 

A little while back, I had really taken to listening to the radio almost constantly. Of course, being the person that I am, I only listened to the "good" stations, changing it when a "bad song" came on. But today, even on the "good" stations, a large majority of the songs talk about immorality and inappropriate behaviors and actions. The songs that I consciously knew had those things in them were the ones that I "switched" away from. But there were so many that I didn't really listen to that were bad as well.  Anyway, as I continued to listen to the world's choice of music, I started becoming a different person. I became more selfish and self-centered. I was on edge all the time and I was temperamental and "snappy" with my family. I was easily offended, especially by members of my family. I had a hard time focussing on my schoolwork and anything, really. I became lazy and unproductive. I grew to be rude, unkind, and impatient. I felt that I had to have lots of social time and was somewhat addicted to it. These were just some of the things that happened. But the worst thing that happened was that my thoughts became polluted. I began thinking about inappropriate things. I started getting tempted more, or I was recognizing that the multitude of temptations were actually there. I have always had temptations, but these were different. My will to resist was weakened and, in the end, I gave in to those temptations. And because I did, I didn't feel the same. I felt sinful, heavy and bogged-down. My whole life was actually deteriorating. I felt no drive to do anything. My parents were nagging and getting after me to pick up the slack on my responsibilities. I felt like I was a failure, in my eyes and in God's. I had no idea how I'd gotten to this state. 

Shortly before all of this happened, my older brother, Quin, had left for his LDS mission to Japan. After 4 or 5 months of my so-called "depression," Quin asked me to make him some CDs of music he wanted that he was allowed to listen to while in the mission field. As I began finding his music and compiling it, I started listening to it. The change of feeling was so drastic! I, almost immediately, became happier, more focused, kind, and my thoughts and actions were cleaner and much more pure. My whole life did a complete 180. I felt spiritually stronger and "ready to take whatever Satan can throw at me."

I've made it a rule for myself now to listen only to things that are uplifting and glorify God. As a result, I often listen to the exact songs I've sent to my missionary brother. There is so much more to music that is influential than the words. The tune is one thing, but I think that something most people don't think about is the beat of the song. There are certain beats that my mother considers "The Devil's Beat" and these are the beats that are very addictive and, a lot of times, hardly even noticeable. These three things are what I look for in a song to see if it's uplifting and inspirational. In a nutshell: lyrics, tune, beat. Are they good? Are my thoughts clean when I hear them? Do I feel happy when I hear them? 

I hope that I have been able to enlighten and inspire.