Let Go To Hold On

My Dad is usually pretty darn happy. And going camping makes him even more so. He’s very spontaneous and his favorite pastime is making people laugh and blush every now and then. I love being with him, although we butt heads more often than anyone else in the family. We’re so alike, each of us wanting things our way. This is where we run into trouble most often.

He decided one evening to take the family camping for the week, which was fine by me. I love camping! We packed up the camping trailer and headed out. I had been texting a few friends during the whole packing and driving process. I had my first Smartphone, so it was to be expected, right? Duh, of course! My parents didn’t like it very much, but although they weren’t too happy about how much time I was spending on it, they didn’t say much about it. We arrived at the campground, found our spot beneath a tree, and began setting up camp. I hopped out of the car, continuing to chat with friends.

Remember how I said my Dad is a happy person?  He wasn’t so happy at this particular moment. The look on his face was something to dread. The chill in my body added to the chill that was already present in the mountains on that July evening.

~

I was fortunate enough to be able to visit Quito, Ecuador for two and a half months in April, seeing and experiencing things I’d never imagined. The beautiful weather was one of my favorites. One of my experiences was being in a foreign country and celebrating my birthday. My eighteenth birthday. My “I’m officially an adult” birthday. It was the most glorious feeling to know that I was my own person from that point on. I didn’t have to take orders from anyone! I could be me! The freedom I felt that May in Ecuador was the most I had ever felt. The choices I made were mine! Because of this, I made a few “rebellious” decisions that I normally wouldn’t have if I were at home. Nothing bad or extreme, but things I wasn’t “allowed” to do at home. I was having the time of my life!

I didn’t realize how much being away from home for this important event in my life would affect my father. I was the first child at home to really go through the “adulting” process. My parents sent my older brother off on his mission for our church right as he turned eighteen, so he grew up in Japan with his companions. He came home a full-blown adult. I, however, became the guinea pig for my parents as they experienced the mixed emotions that are felt towards a blooming adult.

~

“Paije, get off your phone! We’re all setting up the trailer and you’re standing around texting who knows who! You’re not helping at all. Just because you’re an “adult” now doesn’t mean you don’t have to help the family!”

Why couldn’t he leave me alone? I’d been an adult for two whole months and he was still treating me like a child. I guess coming home from an extended trip in a different country didn’t change anything.

I was busy at the moment, obviously. My fingers were flying across the smooth glass face of my iPhone:

Macey! This is Paije.

I had a question for yous…

OHMYGOSH HI

Hi! How would you feel if

I dropped in tomorrow?

I would cry all the happy tears!

Come see me!

“Paije! I need your help!”

Back to reality:

“Tell whoever you’re texting that you have to go. I’m giving you an instruction to come help the family.”

“Dad, I’m an adult now. You can’t give me instructions anymore! Plus, I’m setting up a get-together with Macey. I haven’t seen her in forever! I’ll be there in a minute. “

“You’ve earned an extra job to do. You’re being selfish and rude.”

“You can’t do that either, Dad! I can’t ‘earn’ chores anymore and you can’t tell me I have to do any. I’m an adult, remember?”

He should know this by now. Adults don’t tell other adults what to do!

“I really hate this whole ‘I’m an adult’ thing.”

Sorry. Can’t help that. You’re going to have to learn to deal with it.

My Dad’s dreadful face turned into full anger. I instantly regretted what I said, but reassured myself that it was the truth and that if it was truth, it was okay to be said. I stood my ground and let him do his worst. My sometimes bull-headed, strong-willed father turned to me and began one of his famous, long-winded lectures about how he was right and how I was wrong and how I’m being so self-centered and rude. I, being me, stood there and “respectfully” listened, making full and constant eye contact, glaring at him with a passive-aggressive attitude. He was not going to win this battle. And there was no way he was going to tell me what to do!

The next few days were filled with me being somewhat bull-headed and defiantly independent, living what I thought was the “adult life.” I tried to avoid my dad, especially when he began handing out chores to be done. If I were going to help out, it would be of my own free will, not because of someone else’s desire for my assistance. As a result of my mindset, the relationship between my Dad and me was strained and distant. We both felt contempt for each other. The reason for his disregard and anger was that he could no longer control me and he didn’t like that. My reason for being so stubborn was that I felt he was being bossy and not letting me grow up. The tension was noticeable enough that my younger siblings started feeling uneasy about it.

The situation became so bad that my Mom decided we all needed to sit down and have a talk about it. We gathered and expressed our feelings, saying that we weren’t comfortable with where the relationships were at the time. My mother, being the peacemaker and logician of the family, explained to the family, focusing most of her comments at my dad, that I was an adult now and that things would be a bit different now. I could no longer earn chores for consequences and that she and Dad could no longer tell me what to do. Their role in my life had changed. Instead of teaching and correcting, they were now mentors that could give me suggestions for my life to help guide me. The choices I made were now fully mine.

Dad did not take this well. He did not believe I was ready for adulthood. Seeing that the rest of us did not share his point of view, he stormed out of the camper and went for a drive. We didn’t see him for a couple of hours. I was glad that Mom had, for the most part, taken my side of the argument. She understood. Why didn’t he?

During this time, any texts, phone calls, or conversations I had with him were short, curt, and to the point. No time was wasted on loving pleasantries or kind remarks. There was little to no praise for the things I accomplished or did right. At first, I reciprocated the same feelings of resentment that I felt he had for my attitude and demeanor. But after a month or so, I started wanting his approval and love. I realized that I needed to respect his role and love him more. I couldn’t make him better or turn him into what I wanted him to be. I needed to love him for who he was.

As time went on, he began to understand a bit more and I began to learn what a real adult does and how they live. An adult “sees what needs to be done and does it” a mantra I heard often from my mother. I saw that being an adult meant jumping in to help where and when help is needed. Being an adult is being responsible and taking up extra responsibilities. Being an adult is being mature. Being an adult is accepting when you’ve been wrong and doing all you can to fix the problem. Being an adult is sacrificing for the needs and wants of others.

I was becoming a new person and I came home from Ecuador a different, new person. I think that’s one of the biggest things that upset my Dad. His first-born daughter was growing up and, whether he admitted it or not, he was not ready for that to happen. He couldn’t bear to let go of me, the girl he has always loved and cherished. His “baby girl” was becoming a woman.

I began to confide in him some of the things I was going through. My first heartbreak is when I began “softening up” and letting him back into my life. I told him about it and he seemed understanding and sympathetic. He gave me a couple tips on what to do and how boys behave. I was grateful for his advice and consideration. I began to trust him with my life and feelings again. The walls of defiance I had put up began to come down.

After a few months of slowly taking my walls down, it was time for me to move away to college. BYU-Idaho is a four-hour drive from my home, so I was going to be living on my own, but be close enough for visiting back and forth. As it came close to time for me to leave, my father and I became close. We had both become comfortable with our new relationship and we accepted each other for who we were.

Can you text me the recipe when you get home?

I need the white bread one.

I will text it later. How did your auditions go?

Do you like your roommates? I finally got things in the garage

put away and we can park the cars in there again, yay. We

miss you and hope everything is going well.

My Dad and I are now very close and we openly show love and kindness to each other. He frequently texts and calls to make sure I’m doing okay and that I’m alive. He praises me for my accomplishments and successes and I freely tell him what’s going on in my life. I can’t believe we didn’t have this relationship earlier in life! Once we accepted the butterflies we both had become, we could let go of the caterpillars of the past. Letting go of the people we used to be has helped us hold on to our relationships. Our father-daughter relationship is beautiful. I plan on doing all I can as an adult to keep it that way.

God Is Worth Any Sacrifice

While my family and I were in Kenya teaching families self-government, I had the opportunity to write multiple essays for my college class. I thought it would be good for me to share a couple of them here. This one is titled "God Is Worth Any Sacrifice." The class it was for was called "American Foundations 101."

"The wealth of a country does not determine the separate, unequal wealth of the individuals in that country. Talents and skills and the ability to perform them are what generate and determine income and better status. In order to gain that status, a level of economic virtue must be attained. And that can only happen when an individual is honest, trustworthy, honorable, and willing to have God participate in every part of life.

“Unequal distribution of wealth” means that not everyone is going to have the same amount of money in his or her bank account, and some might not even have a bank account. This week’s readings tell us “…in a society made up of people with different talents, abilities, and interests, the market naturally delivers economic rewards unequally.” It’s very true. For example, I teach piano lessons to multiple beginner students. However, because I am not as talented as other teachers, I can only charge a small amount of money for my lessons. My music mentor, on the other hand, has been playing the piano ever since he was very young and he is now in his 50’s-60’s. He is a master at the piano. Because of his skill, he can teach lessons and charge a lot more for his lessons.

For a society to have economic virtue it must be moral. Morality is following God’s definition of what is right or wrong. The scriptures say, “thou shalt not steal” as part of God’s laws.  For many people, it is easy to see business and church as different areas of life. Yet, many people also have a hard time seeing a separation of the two. They are intertwined and help create an environment where honesty can survive and thrive. It is impossible to separate God from certain parts of life and keep him in others. He is in everything that happens. When a member of the bishopric asks in a temple recommend interview, “Are you honest in your dealings with your fellow men?” all church members should always be able to say, “Yes, I am.” When God is kept in every area of life, people should have no need to be dishonest and can have integrity with anyone and in any situation that can happen.

My family and I are in Kenya right now to do some training and while we’ve been here, I’ve been able to witness a lack of economic virtue first hand. Most of the people in Kenya are very religious, Catholic and Protestant. But when it comes to marketing, honesty in business is the furthest thing from their mind. They immediately inflate normal price, especially for Americans. A pair of leather/used tire sandals is normally only 600 Kenyan shillings (100 shillings = $1). A vendor who was selling them wanted to charge me 6,000 KSH ($60) for one pair. She claimed the big markets sold them for 10,000 KSH ($100). I knew for a fact that that was a lie. I finally talked her down to 1,600 KSH, which was still a rip-off. I was somewhat shocked that these Christian people would be willing to lie about the price of what they were selling and not feel that they had to account to God for it.

Contradicting that setting, our guide and event coordinator for our trip is a businesswoman and she and her coworkers have prayer every morning, noon, and evening in their office and God is in everything they do.

As a Latter-Day Saint, I believe that God should not be separated from daily life. Whether it’s liked or not, He is in and a part of everything. He is the reason we have an economy to begin with. The virtue within it has degraded because of the corrupt people that have risen to leadership positions. God is not the issue. It is the state in which the human heart is within each person that must be fixed. And the only way to have a change of heart is to come unto Christ the Lord, our Savior and Redeemer. Having His guidance and influence is worth any sacrifice that has to be made in an unrighteous economy."

An Ideal Family

What is an ideal family? In other words, what would be your “perfect” family? What would/do you do? What traditions will/do you have? How will/do you parent your kids? What is the feeling in the home, or what will it be? And, how are you going to make it all happen?

I’ve started to wonder what my future family will prospectively be like and how I (and my future husband) will create it.

I just recently returned from helping my mother teach a group of couples in a multi-day event that we call a Couple’s Retreat. At these events, our entire family helps to train and teach 10-20 couples how to self-govern their family. As we were teaching these couples, I started to think about how I was going to run my family. I already know the parenting style I like, it being the style I help teach. It’s based on Four Basic Skills:

•       Follow Instructions
•       Accepting No Answers
•       Accepting Consequences/Criticism
•       Disagreeing Appropriately

There are many other principles to Self-Government, but these pretty much summarize them all. It’s different from any other system I’ve ever seen or heard of.

I have lived this system my whole life and my parents have instituted it with all the foster children that were in our home and have shared it with so many people around the world. I have seen the impact it has had on those who implement it. It has united and blessed many families.

There is a difference between families who are self-governed and those who are not. It’s not that those who use the system of Self-Government are better than those who don’t. It’s just a way of life. If you look back into the history of the family (there is such a thing), it is easy to see how “the family” has evolved and changed.

In the 1800’s, families were much different. For example, in 1899, Charles E. Sargent, in his book “Our Home,” wrote: “Let us suppose a case, the most difficult we can conceive… Suppose a mother requests her boy to go to a neighbor’s house on an errand. The boy wished to play ball and stubbornly refuses to go. What shall that mother do? ‘Give him a good thrashing’…’Turn him over to his father’… One of the principal restraining faculties is conscience, or the sense of obligation. Now all are supposed to possess this faculty in some degree. Those who do not are morally deformed.”

Those are some strong words. Comparing that scenario to today’s youth, they all could be considered monstrosities. According to this passage, most of our young adults, and even some adults, are “morally deformed.” Morals have been twisted, reformed, and completely rejected in today’s society. They are of little worth to “the world’s people.” But to those who seek strong families and foundations, these morals and virtues are avidly sought for and clung to once found. They form the core of beliefs and the rules by which life is set. They are of enormous worth!

But, despite all the opposition from worldly influences, I’ve seen these middle-aged “monstrosities” have a total and complete change of heart when they have a governing system that is firm and consistent, where the parents are the leaders, not the children “ruling the roost.” When governed by principles of self-government, people become more selfless and happy. Life has more freedom.

My ideal family is governed on those principles. My future family won’t be perfect, but we will be happy and united when our “family government” is led by true principles and by the living God.

Mommy's Hold

This last week, my family and I had another opportunity to spend a considerable amount of time without the presence of Mom at home while she spent time with another family, helping them become more united. Usually when Mom’s not home, we throw a party of sorts and do things that we don’t normally get to do on an everyday basis. Although that’s all fine and dandy and we all like it, there is always something missing when Mom is gone.

At our house, Mom is the consistent one when it comes to getting school and chores done. But, she also is consistent in her parenting. Even though it’s a nice break when she’s gone, we miss her consistency. It’s what keeps us all happy. If she were to go somewhere for an extended period of time, life would fall apart at home.

I never really realized how much she contributed to and had a hold on my life until this year. I’ve matured enough to see how her influence is in the home.  It is strong. As I reflected on how she has influenced me over the course of my life, I came to love my mother with a love that I hadn’t known I possessed. I came to appreciate her more, see what she really did for my family and me and just how much she keeps us together. I then thought of those homes that didn’t have the motherly love I’m so blessed with, even if there is a woman in the home. That love of a mother or mother figure is so crucial to a growing child, especially daughters.

A mother is a role model, whether for good or evil is up to them. The Family: A Proclamation To The World says about mothers: “Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.” Loving, modern-day prophets of God gave this short piece of advice to the world to help those woman who may not see it as clearly as others, see their duty to themselves and their family, whether present of future, in this life or the next. Some women are blessed with the opportunity to be mothers to others not related to them. I know I have many mother-like figures in my life that are not related to me and I have learned so much from them.

My mother is my hero. She has taught me all the important things in life and has taught me virtue and the value of it. I owe my knowledge and devotion to Christ to her. She has been my loving mentor and guide my whole life and I am thankful to her for all the hard work she has put into me, making sure I had the best chance to be the best “me” I could be. She has given me choice experiences that I could never had anywhere else or with any other person. I know that the Good Lord blessed me with the mother I have for a reason. I could never fulfill the mission God has for me without the guidance and wisdom of the role model I have. I feel terribly blessed. I hope that all young women have seen or will one day see the treasures they have in the women in their lives. My mother has spent her life making sure I made good use of mine. I could never be blessed with someone better to make the Daughter of God I know I am.

Thank you, Mom. You mean more to me than you know. Even though I’m excited to get out on my own, I’m scared to not have you with me all the time. I’m not sure I’m all the way ready to take that step. But I know with your help, I will be able to survive when I do leave.

Young women and men, take the time to thank your mother for what she does for you.  Let her know that you appreciate her and take notice of her efforts on your behalf. She does so much more than you know. I’m only beginning to see that. And what a life-changing revelation that is.

Less Is More

I was able to go camping this week with my family. I love the times when we get to go and spend time by ourselves. We go to places where I’ve grown up camping my whole life. I have made so many good memories with my family. We always have a good time.  But I’ve noticed, during and even for a short time after our trips, our attitudes change, mine included.

It’s been my observation, and I’m sure it’s been others’ as well, that once we get more of what we want, the more we end up wanting. When we go camping, we tend to get a lot of things we don’t normally get at home. Especially when Dad’s in charge. J Today was our last day in the campground. As we were packing up, we all started complaining and whining. I began feeling entitled to being somewhat pampered and felt the need to be “treated differently.” I felt like I was being told to do everything and that people were getting mad at me for no good reason. My whole point of view changed. I had to have certain things and things done my way or I couldn’t be happy. Or so I felt.

This way of thinking is very common. It’s present in many families around the world. Like I said earlier, it is the product of having received too much of what is wanted. I’ve seen many examples of entitlement, even among my friends. There’s a chain reaction of things that happen: someone gets something they want, they start asking for more, they get it, they want even more, parents say no, they’re angry and don’t know how to handle it, parents give in to their child’s anger/sadness, child becomes entitled and feels they need everything they want, they become disrespectful to parents and parents feel that the only way to handle it is by giving them what more of what they want. This is the pattern I’ve seen often. It makes me very sad to see people my age so disrespectful to the ones that raised them and nurtured them. I also despair at the parents who don’t know how to handle it, even with younger children.

The familiar phrase, “1-2-3” from parents is an attempt to keep younger children in control, but most of the time it doesn’t work. It’s really just a struggle for power and a pull at strings to stay in charge. When there is entitlement, people need structure. I have had the great blessing to have parents who have the skills needed to keep control and respect, yet keep us humble and happy.

I only hope that I’m not the only one who sees this. It’s only becoming worse. But, I know that it can be helped and that life is happier when you appreciate what you have.